James Hepplewhite: Millionaires
Friday, August 28th, 2009Can we please get off our high horse about Millionaires? Seriously. They’re not as bad, intellectually, as their detractors claim, though I will say they’re demonstrably worse, musically, than their detractors suggest. But. I don’t want to give this artist more coverage, or repeat their name again and again so from here on out, I will hereafter refer to them as Method® brand Lemon Ginger All-Floor Cleaner, as a reverent nod of the head to Eric Burns.
A little background: Method® brand Lemon Ginger All-Floor Cleaner, whom some outlets view with some disgust, mix the generic objectification of bling bling hiphop with a couple years worth of messing around with Pro-Tools, and end up sounding like an especially catty Mean Girls extra. They were announced for a full spot on the Vans Warped Tour and the shitstorm was brutal, with “how could you do this” calls to Kevin Lyman from absolutepunk.net especially; but more often than that, Method® brand Lemon Ginger All-Floor Cleaner was looked down upon and scorned, because of their supposed nefarious effects on the punk scene.
I’m here not because I like the music of Method® brand Lemon Ginger All-Floor Cleaner, or believe them to have something to say that’s terribly important, but instead because I see a scene that’s not being honest with itself.
The things that Method® brand Lemon Ginger All-Floor Cleaner perform about are things that punk rock has been doing for years and for whatever reason, the scene is acting shocked when Method® brand Lemon Ginger All-Floor Cleaner get tons of pre-teens to come to their shows based on a garish, rancid aphrodisiac. (Side note: Frank Sinatra described rock music as a “rancid-smelling aphrodisiac,” one with which he wanted no association.) The recipe appears pretty simple: Money, Sex, Drinking and Objectification, stir with some “beats” – but that’s a story for another time.
Method® brand Lemon Ginger All-Floor Cleaner is a band that yes, objectifies guys and promotes drinking and having sex. Two out of three of those, a lot of bands on Warped Tour do as well.
Yet that objectification is the sticking point for some listeners. Well, let’s be honest: Method® brand Lemon Ginger All-Floor Cleaner isn’t the first artist to objectify the opposite sex. Lars Fredricksen and the Bastards wrote Viking (a record where Lars talked about having sex with “every hooker from here to Toledo” and murdering his ex-wife), and they still got on Warped Tour, and on the Main Stage, to boot. Less obvious, but possibly hitting closer to home, how many punk bands have accepted or solicited sexual favors from their fans on this tour (or any tour)? We’re being very selective about Warped history here.
Okay, so objectification isn’t an argument anymore. Deserving a spot on Warped? Nope. Since my guess is Warped Tour selection process is an alchemy of MySpace plays, CD sales and whether Kevin Lyman likes you or not, they’re as deserving as anyone else, based on that criteria. (Speaking of which, any news on that allegation of rape on Warped Tour a couple years back?)
The problem I have with Method® brand Lemon Ginger All-Floor Cleaner is simple: I view them as insincere carpetbaggers using “punk scene” as a jumping off point and, surprise surprise, Method® brand Lemon Ginger All-Floor Cleaner were found to be lip-synching their performances. My expectations were rock bottom for this band, so hearing that they’re pretending to perform their own songs only adds credence to my theory. But I don’t think that they’re unique for objectification, or that they’re something beyond the pale of what’s intellectually acceptable at Warped Tour.
• It’s okay to say “I view Method® brand Lemon Ginger All-Floor Cleaner as insincere artists with little, if anything to do with punk rock. Neither their aesthetic or music holds my attention.”
• It’s okay to say, “I find their presentation to be garish and not my taste.”
• It’s okay to dislike Method® brand Lemon Ginger All-Floor Cleaner for being dishonest in the presentation of themselves as live performing artists.
But saying Method® brand Lemon Ginger All-Floor Cleaner is something that cannot be tolerated at Warped Tour is hypocritical and hollow. They’re simply saying things publicly a lot of other artists do privately. I still think they’re insipid, untalented and unworthy of anyone’s time musically, but not evil or pernicious beyond the scope of the affectations of the punk scene.




























